A 'Real' George W. Bush News Conference
I first published this article June 29, 2007. I have now added a "Word History," but the article itself is unchanged.
Today, George Bush has called a news conference, not just any news conference, but a news conference where he promises to be totally truthful and to express his true opinions in every answer. Oh, here comes the President now....
President: As you know, I have promised to be totally honest in this news conference, so instead of entering here and saying, 'Please be seated, and thank you all for coming,' I'm going to start this totally honest press conference off with, 'You can sit down, stand up, or walk out the door for all I care. I'm not here because I want to be here, but because my adviser, Karl Range Rover told me to be here. You contemptible rabble have said that Karl's my 'brain.' Well, it just shows how much you really know, 'cause my real brain is much smaller than Karl's. And you can make fun of my Inglish all you want, because my third grade Inglish teacher tole me I could pass her class any day. So there!!! I'm being totally honest! Just in case, I've brought Press Secretary Tony Snowjob along, just to keep me...hum, hum...honest.
Well, let's get on with the questions. First, Dan Ratherbe."
Dan Ratherbe: "Thank you Mr. President. What is your assessment of the situation with the Iraq War?"
President: "I prefer not to talk about Iraq."
Dan Ratherbe: "But Mr. President, I thought this was supposed to be an honest and totally truthful news conference."
President: "Well Dan, it IS totally truthful, and I don't want to talk about Iraq, and that's the truth."
Dan Ratherbe: "Well then Mr. President, what about..."
President: "Whoa, whoa horsey! You only get ONE question, and you asked it."
Dan Ratherbe: "But you didn't answer it."
President: "I prefer not to talk about Iraq."
Dan Ratherbe: "But Mr. President, I thought this was supposed to be an honest and totally truthful news conference."
President: "Well Dan, it IS totally truthful, and I don't want to talk about Iraq, and that's the truth."
Dan Ratherbe: "Well then Mr. President, what about..."
President: "Whoa, whoa horsey! You only get ONE question, and you asked it."
Dan Ratherbe: "But you didn't answer it."
President: "The hell I didn't! I told you my true feelings. Next question goes to...ah... Katey Curtsy. Well, I can honestly say that I'm glad to see you... TODAY! Get it? Today, as in Today Show. You shoulda stuck with that show, Katey. How's it feel to have ratings lower than mine? Huh? Huh?"
Katey Curtsy: "No comment, Mr. President. Now, a few months ago, you spoke at the New York Stock Exchange about income inequality. Since then, you really haven't mentioned the topic. Do you really care about average Americans?"
President: "Well first, Karl Range Rover advised me to give that little speech. And to answer your question, I am VERY concerned with average Americans, especially those average Americans whose income is only four or five million a year. I'm telling you, we need my tax cuts for these people. These are the hard working people who invest in America. I'm asking you, do you think it's easy following the stock market every day? Or the price of oil? They're successful! They aren't like those other folks who get up every day and trudge off to some job that will likely be shipped overseas. Those folks don't invest in America. Many of them don't have a very good education... hell, they're as bad as Dan Quayle. Everybody knows he should have spelled the word, 'P-O-T-A-T-O-E!' " (In the background, Tony Snowjob quickly issues a loud whisper, "Mr. President, that's how he DID spell it! There's no 'e.' ") Oh well, however he spelled it! That's small P-O-T-A-T-O-S! See, I know there's no 'e.' ..... Next question to Wolf Blitzkrieg."
Katey Curtsy: "No comment, Mr. President. Now, a few months ago, you spoke at the New York Stock Exchange about income inequality. Since then, you really haven't mentioned the topic. Do you really care about average Americans?"
President: "Well first, Karl Range Rover advised me to give that little speech. And to answer your question, I am VERY concerned with average Americans, especially those average Americans whose income is only four or five million a year. I'm telling you, we need my tax cuts for these people. These are the hard working people who invest in America. I'm asking you, do you think it's easy following the stock market every day? Or the price of oil? They're successful! They aren't like those other folks who get up every day and trudge off to some job that will likely be shipped overseas. Those folks don't invest in America. Many of them don't have a very good education... hell, they're as bad as Dan Quayle. Everybody knows he should have spelled the word, 'P-O-T-A-T-O-E!' " (In the background, Tony Snowjob quickly issues a loud whisper, "Mr. President, that's how he DID spell it! There's no 'e.' ") Oh well, however he spelled it! That's small P-O-T-A-T-O-S! See, I know there's no 'e.' ..... Next question to Wolf Blitzkrieg."
Wolf Blitzkrieg: "To follow up on the income inequality question, Mr. President; do you feel that with wealthy Americans earning record amounts and with workers' wages so stagnant and benefits being reduced to so many, that workers might soon be revolting?"
President: "Might soon be revolting? Hey, they're as revolting as hell now!" (Again, in the background, but not out of microphone range comes the whispered voice of Tony Snowjob. "Mr. President, he doesn't mean that kind of revolting, he means rebellious.") "Ah well, I doubt that any loyal American would be rebellious, and as to my original statement, I stand by it! Next question goes to that fair and balanced Fox News guy Britt Fumes."
Britt Fumes: "Thank you for that impartial introduction, Mr. President, and just let me comment further; some people seem to actually believe there should be an adversarial relationship between the Press and presidential administrations. Like that would accomplish anything! Heck if that were true, we might not even be in Iraq and Saddam Hussein would still be in power. I just don't understand people saying that Fox News is the "fox guarding the hen house." We ask tough, tough questions at Fox; here's mine: Do you plan to spend your vacation at the ranch again this August?"
President: "Might soon be revolting? Hey, they're as revolting as hell now!" (Again, in the background, but not out of microphone range comes the whispered voice of Tony Snowjob. "Mr. President, he doesn't mean that kind of revolting, he means rebellious.") "Ah well, I doubt that any loyal American would be rebellious, and as to my original statement, I stand by it! Next question goes to that fair and balanced Fox News guy Britt Fumes."
Britt Fumes: "Thank you for that impartial introduction, Mr. President, and just let me comment further; some people seem to actually believe there should be an adversarial relationship between the Press and presidential administrations. Like that would accomplish anything! Heck if that were true, we might not even be in Iraq and Saddam Hussein would still be in power. I just don't understand people saying that Fox News is the "fox guarding the hen house." We ask tough, tough questions at Fox; here's mine: Do you plan to spend your vacation at the ranch again this August?"
President: "Wow, now there's a question. The answer in total honesty is that I do indeed plan to vacation at the ranch this August. That was such a great question, you get to ask another!"
Britt Fumes: "You are so gracious, Mr. President. My second tough question is, will First Lady, Laura Bush be accompanying you on your vacation?"
President: "Another great question, Britt. Yes, she will be going to the ranch for vacation time, too. Next question goes to Joe Marlboro, also known as Smokin' Joe."
Joe Marlboro: "Thank you Mr. President. You know, Mr. President, many people feel you take too much advice from Vice President Cheney. What is your comment on that, sir?"
President: "I just don't know how to answer that charge. Let me ask Dick, he's right over here behind the curtain."
Britt Fumes: "You are so gracious, Mr. President. My second tough question is, will First Lady, Laura Bush be accompanying you on your vacation?"
President: "Another great question, Britt. Yes, she will be going to the ranch for vacation time, too. Next question goes to Joe Marlboro, also known as Smokin' Joe."
Joe Marlboro: "Thank you Mr. President. You know, Mr. President, many people feel you take too much advice from Vice President Cheney. What is your comment on that, sir?"
President: "I just don't know how to answer that charge. Let me ask Dick, he's right over here behind the curtain."
Joe Marlboro: "Ah, I think you've said enough on the subject, Mr. President."
President: "Well, one more question, and by tradition it goes to Helen Back. So, I'm going to Helen Back for the last question. "
Helen Back: "How do you want to answer those who compare you to a part of an equine anatomy?"
President: (Chuckling) "Well, they think they can fool me, so I'll let you judge things for yourself. Since I took office, these folks have made me the butt of jokes, but equine is used to treat malaria and has NOTHING to do with anatomy............that's stupid!!!"
President: "Well, one more question, and by tradition it goes to Helen Back. So, I'm going to Helen Back for the last question. "
Helen Back: "How do you want to answer those who compare you to a part of an equine anatomy?"
President: (Chuckling) "Well, they think they can fool me, so I'll let you judge things for yourself. Since I took office, these folks have made me the butt of jokes, but equine is used to treat malaria and has NOTHING to do with anatomy............that's stupid!!!"
WORD HISTORY:
Dunce-This word for "dull-witted, stupid," was derived in the 1500s from John Duns Scotus, a Scottish religious philosopher who died in 1308. In the 1500s, as religious views had greatly changed since the time of Duns Scotus, his views retained a core of supporters, who rejected the modern ideas. Such a supporter of conservative religious views was dubbed a "duns/dunce" by religious philosophers in the 1500s. The term generalized beyond religion as time passed. "Duns" was the purported birthplace of Scotus in Scotland.
Dunce-This word for "dull-witted, stupid," was derived in the 1500s from John Duns Scotus, a Scottish religious philosopher who died in 1308. In the 1500s, as religious views had greatly changed since the time of Duns Scotus, his views retained a core of supporters, who rejected the modern ideas. Such a supporter of conservative religious views was dubbed a "duns/dunce" by religious philosophers in the 1500s. The term generalized beyond religion as time passed. "Duns" was the purported birthplace of Scotus in Scotland.
Labels: English, etymology, George W. Bush, media
posted by Randy at 11:02 AM
2 Comments:
I dont think I saw this b4. Dan Ratherbe, Wolf Blitzkrieg! Love it! Cheney behind the curtain, probably true! And then "dunce."
Funny! Loved it!
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