Asking A Republican A Few Questions

This was first published in May 2013

"Hello folks! This is Dan Ratherbe, in Philadelphia. Today I have a Republican here who promises to speak out on the issues confronting the nation and his Republican Party, no holds barred. His name is George Owen Pappenstiel* and he's a strong supporter of the Tea Party. Welcome Mr. Pappenstiel.

GOP-Thank you Mr. Couldbe, or is it Mr. Shouldbe?

DR-It's Ratherbe, but my name isn't important here, you are. So here's the first question, and remember, no holds barred. Is The Republican Party still the "party of Lincoln?"

GOP-Oh no, that was just temporary insanity on the part o' people who weren't no real Republicans. Ol' John Wilkes Booth was just too late gettin' at that guy. See, that's why Americuns need guns, to stop this stuff. 'Sides, I'm not sure Lincoln could ever convince Donald Trump that he wuz a 'gitimate president with a valid birth certificate to prove it. Just like that Bomma guy, a Mooslim if ever there was one. From over there in one of them Africa places nobody knows the name of.

DR- Kenya?

GOP- Cun I what?

DR- The President's name is Obama, not Bomma.

GOP- See, can't even say his name right, 'cuz it ain't no Americun name.

DR-Who is your favorite president?

GOP-Jeff Davis!

DR- Sir, Jefferson Davis was not president of the United States.

GOP- Shows jist how dumb you liberals are. Ya never had a proper edjeecation. Jeff Davis is my answer and that's final. I'll bet Donald Trump wouldn't have no trouble with ol' Jeff. He wuz a real Americun like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. They don't go 'round hatin America like that Bomma guy. They don't see no bad things 'bout this great ol' country and they only tell people the plain and simple facts and the communists and socialists don't like the truth or facts, so theyz agin them.  Michele and Sarah, they just plain and simple, that's what they are.

DR- Okay, who besides Jefferson Davis?

GOP- You sure ere trying to make this tough. Let's see ... ah ... Strom Thurmond? Oh wait, he only ran and he didn't win; got cheated I believe. George Wallace almost made it, but they cheated him too. Well, I guess Ronald Reagan.

DR-Do you believe Ebenezer Scrooge gets a bum rap?

GOP-You better believe it. The liberal media has done made him a scapegoat and felt sorry for that lazy moocher who worked for him. I can't remember his name, but he had that good for nothing son who sang like a woman and had the long hair to go with it. Played a banjo or some such thing too. Maybe a ukelele.  What was his name? Hm ... Tiny Tim or some such crap. Used a crutch to make people feel sorry for him. Not me, I don't fall for that stuff; I don't feel sorry for nobody, exceptin' maybe ol' Ebenezer. He was just a honest business guy tryin' to make a livin'. He was a job creator too. That moochin' worker of his wouldn't o' had a job if'n it weren't for ol' Ebenezer.

DR-Do you think some Republicans secretly celebrate Hitler's and Mussolini's birthdays?

GOP-Oh that Muss-ah-lini was such a wimp, nobody'd be celebratin' his birthday. I dunno 'bout Hitler tho.

DR-You mean you don't know of anyone in your party who celebrates Hitler's birthday on April 12th?

GOP-No, no, not April 12th, 'cause his birthday is April 20th. A cuzin o' mine has an old armband, give to him by his pa from the war time in Germany. He likes to wear it 'round the house sometimes, but I'm not sure it's just on Hitler's birthday. 'Sides, he got a nice white sheet he like to wear too sometimes. Keeps it good 'n clean and has a good Christian cross with it.     

DR-What do you think of the growing Hispanic population in the U.S.

GOP- I think we should use the Army to secure the border and shoot first an' ask questions later, like that there guy done there in Florida. What's his name, Zimmerman? We gotta stop this stuff or soon we'll all be eatin' tacos and refried beans fer breakfast, lunch and dinner. They can't even speak good English like you an' me duz. An' those Pertoo Ricans, why you'd think they wuz real Americuns, the ways they act.

DR- Puerto Ricans are American citizens, sir.

GOP- Now quit joshin' me. Ain't no real Americuns if'n they don't look like you an' me. An' don't fergit my cuzin neither. Then too, real Americuns don't got names like Peedro or Jose. That Jose name only any good fer the national anthem, you know, 'Jose ... can you see, by the dawn's early light?' Jist thought I'd be throwin' in a little humor, but you ain't laughin'. Guess you don't git it.
 
DR- Do you think the Tea Party is at least partially in response to political correctness? If so, do you think they're really racist, or that they just think segregation wasn't a bad thing at all, and that in fact, slavery helped take care of slaves?

 GOP- Now ya got that last part right, an' no truer words was ever spoke. Let me tell ya, a little slavery never hurt nobody, at least not no white person, or Egyptian. Just think, no slavery, no pyramids. No slavery, no cotton industry. No child slavery, no Walmart. Hey, this ain't tough to figur out.

DR-  Why do you think many Americans believe the GOP, especially the Tea Party, is bigoted, if not outright racist?

GOP- I got no idea. I never met a Tea Party patriot who didn't believe colored people, or I guess I should say, Negroes, haven't performed a valuable service to this country; as I said, no slavery, no cotton. If people like John Brown and that bunch hadn't been messin' in, we'd still have a thrivin' cotton business and big plantations all over the South. An' see, I said Negroes. You probly thought I didn't know no better.

DR- What do you think of unions?

GOP- Oh that bunch of Commies. They just wanna keep stoppin' American business from growin'; after all, what's good fer business, is good fer America.

DR- So if unions were destroyed, the country AND workers would be better off? How would workers benefit?

GOP- The country's businesses would be better off, no question 'bout it, and they are the nation's job creators. They need more money to 'spand and invest so they can provide more jobs to Americans. We don't need no unions stickin' their Commie noses in to where they ain't wanted ner needed. Let one company outbid the others over workers with pay and any benefits.

DR- What do you think of Medicare?

GOP- Oh that sozialyzed med'cine started by Lyndon Johnson. Called hizself a Texan too. Baloney! He weren't no real Texan like George W. Bush and Rick Perry. Now thems Texans.

DR- Has your family always been Republican?

GOP- Oh no, no. My pappy and my grand pappy and his pappy were all Democrats, but that was 'fore the Democrats started stirrin' up the colored people tellin' 'em they was equal to us white folks. Can you imagine that? Then it all got worse, 'cause they done tole women they was equal too. Now they's sayin' men cun marry men and women cun marry women and that we should let more feruners become citizens. I'm tellin ya, Lady Liberty is ashamed o' this stuff and pretty soon we white, educated, sane people gonna be a minority in our own country.    

DR- Thanks for your time, sir. You've really answered the questions, no holds barred, just like you said you would. Only thing is, I'm feeling a bit sick to my stomach now.

GOP- I done tole you, you liberals don't like hearin' the truth.  

* Pappenstiel is used in the German expression "etwas für einen Pappenstiel kriegen;" that is, "get something cheaply/get something for chicken feed." It is pretty much pronounced like "poppin-steel."

WORD HISTORY:
Thwart-This word goes back to Indo European "twork/terkw," which had the notion of "turn, twist." This gave its Old Germanic offspring "t(h)werkhaz," which seems to have meant "crosswise, crooked," from the original notion of "twist, turn." This gave Old English (Anglo-Saxon) "thweorh," which likewise meant "crooked, bent," and from those ideas, also the figurative meaning "perverse" (the basic idea of such is still around today, as we say things like "the criminal had a twisted mind"), and also "angry." Along came Old Norse speakers to England, usually referred to as "Danes" back then, although not all came from what is now Denmark. Old Norse was the North Germanic offshoot of Old Germanic; thus making it a close relative of English. English is classified as West Germanic, along with its closest relatives: Frisian, Low German, Dutch, and standard German," but English has a number of influences from North Germanic, because of these "Danish" settlements in England, which were mainly in the northern and eastern parts of the England. Old Norse brought the word "thwert" to England, which had much the same basic meaning as the its Old English relative "thweorh;" that is, "across, crosswise." This form gradually worked its way into English by the 13th Century, seemingly blending with the original English word. Apparently from the notion of "crosswise sticks or logs" used to block an entrance/exit, came the idea in the mid 1200s of a verb form meaning "block, obstruct, hinder," which is still with us today. Originally both the English and Old Norse forms were adverbs/adjectives. Other forms in the Germanic languages: German has "quer" (originally spelled with a "tw" and a "dw," instead of a "q"), which means "across, crosswise; diagonally," Low German and Dutch "dwars," West Frisian "dwers," Swedish "tvär," Danish "tvaer," Norwegian "tvers," and Icelandic "thwert."